A Long Time Coming

Well I haven't been here in awhile. Mostly because I have been so busy, but also because I just haven't felt the desire to come and write. Or at least when I did not on here. I have journaled quite a bit more then usual, mostly I think because I enjoy the pen and paper more. Yes I am a snob I know it, and I am somewhat proud of it. Mainly I think I am writing because I have started returning to a familiar place. With the onset of Autumn, which by the way sounds so much better then Fall, I have started to began my retreat inwards, my introverted journey inside myself. I am become vastly more self reflective and have been looking for an outlet. As I have been doing I normally would just write in my journal but after reading my old posts I have decided to put them up here along with a new quote that I feel perfectly describes how I feel.

I am writing this journal as though you might read it.

I have this desire for you to read this,

because it's those things that I mean to say, and never do.

It's who I feel I really am, but never show.

I just feel like maybe someone somewhere out there will be able to gain some sort of insight from my random ramblings. Here's to a new start and hopefully one that continues for longer than my last foray into this blog

Grace

I have always had a difficult time with grace. I struggle so much with accepting it. I just don't understand it. And that is why I love it so much. I feel like we aren't meant to understand it and that is the beauty of it. It is so in our human nature that we require something in return and it is so not in God's. I love that.

It hurts because despite my love of grace I am always fighting that feeling that I need to do something in return for it. When I mess up and sin, which is often, I feel awful and feel undeserved of this grace. But that is the whole point of it. This just blows my mind and moves me to tears.

Grace makes me want to give my entire life to God, everything. And then it really hits me. What I love most about grace. That I don't have to, that grace doesn't require anything from me. It doesn't require anything of you or anyone. Grace covers us all; those that are apparent sinners and know it and those that hide their sins behind the veil of being a holy "Christian" ( I am ashamed to admit that I fall under the latter more often then not ). Grace covers the sins of Billy Graham and those of the suicide bombers on 9/11. It covers the sins of all, indiscriminately.

This makes me want to tell the whole world about this amazing grace. As I sit here and listen to the oh so talented Sufjan Stevens play a cover of it I am just reminded of it's power. We are all under it's power: the murderers, the thieves, the greedy, the prideful, those who ignore the injustice in the world ( I have a problem with loving these people which I am trying oh so hard to change), the sexual abusers, the rapists, those who torture and those like me who judge. We are all under this saving grace. Every last one of us.

Life

So I wrote this for a class, and it only took like 5 minutes but I really kinda like it. Sooo, I am posting here to see what the 4 people who read this think. It is quite minimalistic which fits me I guess. Just a reflection on life, enjoy.
Also feel free to speculate on the meaning behind it; I have my opinion but that is what I love about art, it is open to others ideas.

Life

This is it

Life and Death

Joy and Sorrow

Happiness and Pain

the beauty and the ugliness

This is it.

This is all we have

This is all we get

Nothing more

Nothing less

This is it.

This is what we choose.

Only to view in black and white,

yet we so often miss

those subtle shades of grey.

All or Nothing

I have been having trouble with this concept recently, especially in the context of my faith. I feel like the spirit has really be pushing this point with me. This was confirmed tonight when Jared Anderson alluded to idea during a short little talk he gave during his concert. He briefly talked about the story of the widow's offering. For those that are not familiar with it, basically Jesus and the disciples are chilling in the Temple watching people come up and put money into the offering box. They see many rich people come up and put large sums of money in it, but then a widow comes up and puts in two coins which equal about penny. Jesus is overjoyed at this and calls his disciples together and says that the widow put in more then anyone else because while everyone else contributed out of their abundance the widow put in everything she had despite her poverty. While this passage is quite short, a mere three verses, it is the climax of what my thoughts have been dwelling on the past few days. I want to give it all, not just money wise but really just give up myself. I have noticed an overwhelming amount of selfishness in myself and our culture that has disgusted and horrified me. I want to rid myself of this pride and selfishness. We have become a society of the self and the Church has been noticeably quiet about this subject. We have become afraid of risk. We have become fine with following Jesus just as long as we don't have to give up that much. I am not suggesting that we don't give up some but like the affluent in Jesus' story we give only some from our wealth. We give but not enough to make us concerned for our well being. We don't give up enough to where we have to rely on God. We instead rely on wealth and status to protect us from the "horrors" of life that Jesus so readily associated with. And don't fear I am just as easily guilty of this. I may not have a lot but rather then give all I have I hold tight to the little I do have. I write myself off by saying if I give then I won't have any, and I need something to survive. I think that the little I have can save me. I am no better then those who give out of their wealth; I don't give out of my poverty. I say that I will give when I have enough to survive, but what do i require to survive. Honestly all I need is Christ, and maybe Aly. I need to let go of my fear of the unknown, my fear of the future, my fear of not providing enough. Ironically enough, as much as I want to be set apart from the world and it's standards, I can fall so easily into them. It is one thing to be able to give up control when it is just you, but it is so much harder when you have someone you love that you have to give up control over as well. It is a lot easier to fall into those traps of desiring control when it involves those you love and care about and are ultimately responsible for. Ultimately I know I need to give it to God and not care about how my life turns out and whether it conforms to the societal standard or not, but while it may be easy to say it is harder to enact. But that is my challenge to myself. To act less on my part and more on God's part, for why should I worry God loves me more then I can even comprehend and he has a plan for me that is greater then my own. So here it is I am ready to give all and leave nothing for myself. I have faith that God will provide.

Late At Night

Life is strange.
This is less like my other posts,
I have nothing to rant and rave about.
I am just being open with who I am.
Right now it is 1:16 am and I can't sleep.
This is a usual occurrence; its not that I can't sleep or am not tired.
I just don't want to sleep.
There is something about the night that captivates me,
and keeps me awake.
I feel complete at night,
I feel at peace.
I feel alive
I could just sit here and listen to music until I fall asleep.
I think it is because the world turns off,
leaving just me to be myself.
I can't even describe it.
There is something that is awakened inside me.
A love for the night.

Conversion

Christians need to stop trying to convert people.
Okay I am not saying stop preaching, or telling people about Christ; in fact I want more of that.
We need to realize that we are not called to convert the world but simply tell the world.
Conversion makes it seem like we have a hand in it when it is all God's doing.
We may be used by God to help bring someone to him, but we cannot make someone believe through tracts, threats, proof, or arguments of any kind.
What we can do is show God to people, give them a choice, an alternative.
Relief sin, sorrow, death and pain, and suffering.
We can give them hope, love, and care.
We are called to minister to a broken world; not to fix it.
Jesus is the one who does the fixing we just guide people to him.
And we do that through our actions.
Not through our words.
We need to show love not hate.
If God can love the world so much that he can send Jesus to die for us then the least we can do is show a little bit of love to the world as well.

Politics or something like it

I don't conform well to politics. I am neither republican nor democrat, not really anything else for that matter. I guess you could say that I am an anarchists, though not really I only just follow the idea that any government is bad; you can call me an abstainist. I want to abstain from politics, for a little while at least. I find that there is too much hate and too much division. However I have been have trouble with this lately; because regardless of how much I tell myself I am abstaining, it doesn't make me any less opinionated. And I am quite opinionated especially when it comes to stuff like this. I don't believe there is a sacred/secular divide. And so therefore I dislike both democrats and republicans viewpoints. First off I want to say to anyone I am trying to be completely open to new opinions and I welcome opposing comments, I find it a way of working on being less divisive.
Okay onto the big stuff. First up the Democratic Party, I don't believe that there is a big enough government too solve all of the problems in our country, I applaud you for recognizing the problem however. I do agree with several of your talking points, like anti-war, helping out the poor, lessening the gap between the rich and the poor, you know stuff like that. Look Democratic Party I like you, I just think that you are going about it wrong.
Okay next, before I precede to attack the Republican Party I want to say that if Thomas Jefferson was running for President I would vote for him. However I find few Thomas Jefferson's in today's G.O.P., in fact I find very little similarity to the Republican Party of old (the democratic Republicans) and those that represent them today. As I said earlier I am not a fan of government so for me the smaller the better. However I have seen that justified or not the Republican Party has become the vocal voice of Christians and I well, I have a lot of problems with that. I consider myself a Christian, although far removed from some of the prominent ones in the GOP, that in now way, shape, or form represent what true Christians believe. But in regards to the Party itself, my problem is that is refers to itself as Christian but doesn't adhere to the values of Christ. This is where me problem lies, prominent members of the GOP proclaim themselves to be Christians and do not structure their leadership after Christ. For me Christ was not pro-war and pro-rich. He did not call us to hate the homosexuals and those who sin but rather to love them. Jesus was about love not about hate, and I find that many leaders in the GOP have become filled with hate. GOP I would like you more if you returned to your roots.
Overall I find that both parties have a problem with a sacred/secular divide. They either pretend there isn't one, try to take the sacred out, or they make proclaim somethings are sacred while other things aren't. To finish I don't want to assign these generalizations to all members, I am just referring to the Party lines itself. Anyway I need to love more so from this point on I am going to try to attack less and understand more. I just want you to understand what I believe and also I want to understand what you believe. Peace and Love to all